I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize