i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
