hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
