hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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