He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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