I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
