OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
