In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
