Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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