it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
