so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
