So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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