i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
