How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize