She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
