if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
