dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
