Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you had me at cake vodka
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
