Banned from zoo.
Again?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
