You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
