No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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