The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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