do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
