if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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