im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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