I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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