When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it because I queefed?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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