Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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