dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
