hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
