I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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