yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
