anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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