$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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