They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
