we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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