saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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