Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
