So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
