Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
