How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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