I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
