I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
When are your genitals available?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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