apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
