I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
