either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
