it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
