Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
