she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
