Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
