She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
