the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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