he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
