I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize