I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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