just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
