fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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