Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
