I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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