All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
