Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you win again, gameday.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
