Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize