I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
