I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
