i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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